Little Jimmy Osmond

Artist: Little Jimmy Osmond

LP: 7" single

Song: "If Santa Were My Daddy" 
[ listen ]

Jimmy Osmond refuses to allow his kids—Sophia, Zachary, Arthur and Isabella—to become pop stars. He wants them to have the normal childhood he never had. Jimmy has other regrets too: "In the '80s I had my hair all puffed out," he says, "long jackets, shiny shoes—it's on the internet and I just want to kill whoever put it there." 

"If Santa Were My Daddy," released in 1971, is probably one of the primary reasons Jimmy's kids have been banned from showbiz. And now it looks like I should expect to be getting death threats too.

[ Big Jimmy Osmond ]

The Osmonds

Artist: The Osmonds

LP: Phase-III

Song: "My Drum"

[ listen ]

This album is kinda' scary, 'cause we all know what comes next. Anyone else suspect that "hit my drum" might be a euphemism?

Nephi Hannemann

Artist: Nephi Hannemann

LP: The Polynesian Man

Song: "She's My Woman"

[ listen ]

Song: "Baby's Lullabye"

[ listen ]

Song: "Elusive Dreams"

[ listen ]

Actor/singer Nephi Hannemann was born in Samoa, a descendant of Samoan royalty. The name Nephi, however, comes from his LDS heritage. (Nephi, the son of Lehi, was an ancient prophet and an author—he wrote the first two sections of The Book of Mormon. He was also founder of the Nephite Tribe, an Olympic bodybuilder, and second runner up in the very first Mister Universe contest.) Several years after graduating from Farrington High in 1962, Nephi Hannemann began making regular appearances on TV episodes of "Hawaii Five-O," playing various characters with names like Gus, Pimp, Surfer, Puni, Yoko, Tamaki, Aku, Mahina, and Paul. He was cast in the role of an evil witch doctor named Malakoma for the delightfully preposterous 1974 Disney film THE CASTAWAY COWBOY, a James Garner vehicle set sometime between 1825 and 1974 (everyone looks and acts like the 1970s, but they're all riding horses and buggies). The film tells the story of a Texas cowhand who washes ashore in Hawaii, where he makes the local natives into the island's first (and hopefully last) cowboys, thereby saving an attractive (and lonely) widow and her cloying (and fatherless) young son from the clutches of a scheming (and dastardly) dandy. According to an article in the Monday, September 17, 1973 edition of The Deseret News, the film's original title was PANIOLO, but it probably had to be changed because nobody could pronounce it. 

In 1972, Hannemann recorded and released his solo LP "The Polynesian Man," which showcases his versatile musical talents. The lively "She's My Woman" features Hannemann at his Tom Jonesiest and includes some of the worst gender-related stereotypes ever put on vinyl; in the lovely ballad "Baby's Lullabye," Hannemann envisions his infant daughter's future as a life filled with high heels and lipstick; Nephi's cover of "Elusive Dreams" chronicles his fruitless wanderings through the South Pacific isles in search of happiness, riches, and fame. Unfortunately, one can assume that "Polynesian Rock Star" was one of Nephi Hannemann's elusive dreams, since he never made another record. You can read about the life and career of The Polynesian Man on Wikipedia here, go here to see a 1966 Hannemann Family photo—Nephi's in the back row, second from left—and the LP liner notes are included below.

 

 [ Nephi Hannemann as "Surfer" on Hawaii Five-O ]

[ Nephi Hannemann as "Mahina" on Hawaii Five-O ]

Mormons: A Better Way

LP: A Better Way

Artist: Arliene Nofchissey Williams

Song: "I'm Important After All"
[ listen ]

Artist: Mitch and Winnafred Kalauli

Song: "You Can Do It"
[ listen ]

Artist: Arliene Nofchissey Williams

Song: "If You Truly Love Me"
[ listen ]

This interesting old piece of musical Mormon memorabilia is another one of the things I found while out record-hunting last week. Made by LDS hippies back in 1973, the songs collected here are uplifting and life-affirming while at the same time informing non-Mormons about some of the beliefs and the "better way of life" available to them if they become Latter-Day Saints. The record cover features what I assume is Canandaigua Road, leading up to the hill Cumorah (see notes below) along with two Native American guys and the LDS Provo Temple in the foreground. I've always liked the Provo temple best of all the Mormon temples—and the similar one in Ogden too—because they remind me of the air filters you find in the engines of old cars.

[ Provo Temple ]

[ Ogden Temple ]

[ Air Filter ]

In the song "I'm Important After All," a young woman who's feeling suicidal at bedtime thanks God after waking up in the morning feeling refreshed and full of life. In "You Can Do It," a nerdy and unattractive young man is lured from a tree (don't ask) by a cute female nerd who flatters him with compliments and promises to change his life with a copy of The Book of Mormon. Just like in most other Christian religions, LDS men are often dim-witted, dull, and unattractive, and it's up to the women in their lives to make them feel good-looking, interesting, and smart—even if it means telling lots of little white lies. But if you're not yet married, ladies, be careful not to boost your fella's ego too much, because then he'll try to make you have sex! As we all know, single men are nothing but a bundle of raging and uncontrollable hormones, so it's entirely up to the women to keep their purity intact. Some of the lines Mormon gals often employ to bring things grinding to a halt when their boyfriends start rubbing up against them are offered in the lovely ballad, "If You Truly Love Me." The basic beliefs of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are laid out in the LP liner notes for the songs "A Better Way" and "Canandaigua Road," included below. If anyone wants to learn more about becoming a Latter-Day Saint, just let me know and I'll arrange to have the Mormon missionaries sent over to your home.